A subject I know nothing about

A few weeks back I gave my second speech under Pathways at Toastmasters. The objective of the speech was to research about a topic that I have very little knowledge of, and to give a well structured speech on that. So, I spoke about how men and women talk & think differently and why it is so difficult to understand the opposite gender.

Here's the YouTube video of my speech.  Or if you would like to read it, then the transcript is given below.

Good evening fellow toastmasters & friends. As my evaluator explained, for my 2^nd speech, I am supposed to research on a topic that I have very little knowledge of and go ahead & give a speech on it. So, I decided to research about what my wife really “implies” when she tells me something – or to make it a bit more generic, what exactly are the differences between the way guys & girls talk and think which makes understanding the opposite gender so difficult.

While researching on this topic, I stumbled upon a book called “men are from Mars & women are from Venus” written by a psychologist and relationship counselor named John Gary. The title was very cliched and it reminded me of Yash Raj films, but, in the spirit of curiosity, I started reading it.

• The first thing it talks about is how men & women deal with stressful situations differently. When faced with difficult problems, men have a tendency to retreat into a “cave”. That cave could be the company of friends, tinkering with the bike in the garage, or distractions of that sort which lets the man relax and re-examine the problem later from a fresh perspective. Women, on the other hand, feel more comfortable when they talk about the problem with a loved one– it might not give them a solution, but, it helps them relax so that they can address the problem better. So these varied tendencies automatically create a beautiful conflict. There is a problem at home – the lady wants to talk about it with her husband & relax. And the husband – well he wants to have a few pints of beer with his friends to calm down and think about it later. The point is that both of them are trying to address the problem – but in their own ways. So, many times it is best for the woman to let the man retreat into his cave & come back refreshed and its best for the man to give a patient hearing to the woman without jumping in with “solutions”.

• The second thing Gary talks about is how men & women maintain points in a relationship. In any relationship, a nice date gets a positive point and a fight gets a negative point – that’s natural. Women have a tendency of maintaining equal points for all acts-big or small. So the points tally increase as you do more and more good things – not necessarily the fanciest of gifts & dinners. Whereas, men maintain an expenditure balance where big activities get big points & small acts get small ones. So, a woman might feel unloved for a small thing like her husband not making tea for her in the morning, but, her husband would find her to be too demanding as they had just gone for dinner to a great restaurant yesterday night - and on top of that she expects him to make tea also in the morning.  John Gary suggests that the best way to address this “difference in points taking” is by having an open & honest conversation about acts – or the lack of it, that makes either of the parties feel unloved.

•  The third point to note is that men like to have their abilities recognized by others while women like their feelings to be recognized by others. Consequently, when a man is doing something and a woman recommends a different approach, the man feels that his ability is questioned – especially when he is doing some “manly” things like carpentry, fixing things, etc. Similarly when a woman is expressing her problems and the man gives her solutions for the problems instead of hearing her out, then she feels that the man is not appreciative of her feelings and just gives solutions that she herself knows. The approach to manage these situations can be very easy & convenient. The woman just has to express her confidence in the man’s abilities & leave him to his work – one of those “I know you will take care of this”. For the man, it’s even more easier. When a woman is expressing her problems, all he has to do is shut up & nod his head – one of those “I understand you” behavior. He just has to remember not to give any “constructive suggestions”. Let the woman express her feelings and somewhere in that she would have herself, told the solution also.

Over decades, using these three primary principles, Gary has helped many individuals & couples appreciate & understand each other better. Obviously for each of us there would be dominant traits, dormant traits and some traits of the opposite gender than we might also express. Also many of us would be thinking – “the fundas are all good, but, how do I implement it in real life”. As I conclude, I would like you to take the first step by thinking about the most memorable fights that you have had with your significant other – boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, brother, sister, father, mother, etc. and see how you could have behaved & felt differently had you known these principles.

Thank you.