A subject I know nothing about

A few weeks back I gave my second speech under Pathways at Toastmasters. The objective of the speech was to research about a topic that I have very little knowledge of, and to give a well structured speech on that. So, I spoke about how men and women talk & think differently and why it is so difficult to understand the opposite gender.

Here's the YouTube video of my speech.  Or if you would like to read it, then the transcript is given below.

Good evening fellow toastmasters & friends. As my evaluator explained, for my 2^nd speech, I am supposed to research on a topic that I have very little knowledge of and go ahead & give a speech on it. So, I decided to research about what my wife really “implies” when she tells me something – or to make it a bit more generic, what exactly are the differences between the way guys & girls talk and think which makes understanding the opposite gender so difficult.

While researching on this topic, I stumbled upon a book called “men are from Mars & women are from Venus” written by a psychologist and relationship counselor named John Gary. The title was very cliched and it reminded me of Yash Raj films, but, in the spirit of curiosity, I started reading it.

• The first thing it talks about is how men & women deal with stressful situations differently. When faced with difficult problems, men have a tendency to retreat into a “cave”. That cave could be the company of friends, tinkering with the bike in the garage, or distractions of that sort which lets the man relax and re-examine the problem later from a fresh perspective. Women, on the other hand, feel more comfortable when they talk about the problem with a loved one– it might not give them a solution, but, it helps them relax so that they can address the problem better. So these varied tendencies automatically create a beautiful conflict. There is a problem at home – the lady wants to talk about it with her husband & relax. And the husband – well he wants to have a few pints of beer with his friends to calm down and think about it later. The point is that both of them are trying to address the problem – but in their own ways. So, many times it is best for the woman to let the man retreat into his cave & come back refreshed and its best for the man to give a patient hearing to the woman without jumping in with “solutions”.

• The second thing Gary talks about is how men & women maintain points in a relationship. In any relationship, a nice date gets a positive point and a fight gets a negative point – that’s natural. Women have a tendency of maintaining equal points for all acts-big or small. So the points tally increase as you do more and more good things – not necessarily the fanciest of gifts & dinners. Whereas, men maintain an expenditure balance where big activities get big points & small acts get small ones. So, a woman might feel unloved for a small thing like her husband not making tea for her in the morning, but, her husband would find her to be too demanding as they had just gone for dinner to a great restaurant yesterday night - and on top of that she expects him to make tea also in the morning.  John Gary suggests that the best way to address this “difference in points taking” is by having an open & honest conversation about acts – or the lack of it, that makes either of the parties feel unloved.

•  The third point to note is that men like to have their abilities recognized by others while women like their feelings to be recognized by others. Consequently, when a man is doing something and a woman recommends a different approach, the man feels that his ability is questioned – especially when he is doing some “manly” things like carpentry, fixing things, etc. Similarly when a woman is expressing her problems and the man gives her solutions for the problems instead of hearing her out, then she feels that the man is not appreciative of her feelings and just gives solutions that she herself knows. The approach to manage these situations can be very easy & convenient. The woman just has to express her confidence in the man’s abilities & leave him to his work – one of those “I know you will take care of this”. For the man, it’s even more easier. When a woman is expressing her problems, all he has to do is shut up & nod his head – one of those “I understand you” behavior. He just has to remember not to give any “constructive suggestions”. Let the woman express her feelings and somewhere in that she would have herself, told the solution also.

Over decades, using these three primary principles, Gary has helped many individuals & couples appreciate & understand each other better. Obviously for each of us there would be dominant traits, dormant traits and some traits of the opposite gender than we might also express. Also many of us would be thinking – “the fundas are all good, but, how do I implement it in real life”. As I conclude, I would like you to take the first step by thinking about the most memorable fights that you have had with your significant other – boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, brother, sister, father, mother, etc. and see how you could have behaved & felt differently had you known these principles.

Thank you.

Some memorable moments from my life

A few months back I completed my ice breaker speech (1st speech) in the new Toastmaster's pathways program. Among the many speeches that I have give at Toastmaster's, this speech will remain special to me since,with this speech,  I returned to Toastmaster's after a gap of almost 11 years and, coincidentally, I won the  best prepared speech ribbon also.

Below is a transcript of the speech. Thoughts & feedback are welcome.

Speech Title : Some memorable moments from my life

A wise man has said that there are 2 important days in your life – the day you were born and the day you realized why you were born. Well, I can say that I have realized the importance of the first one, and, I am still figuring out the 2^nd. Good evening friends. For my first speech with Agnel toastmasters, I want to talk about some memorable moments from my life.

In June 1983, India won the cricket world cup for the first time, and 3 months later I was born. Though I was born in Madurai, I have always considered myself as a Mumbaikar – I have lived here, I have grown here, I have loved the place, I have hated the place, and somehow it has become a part of my life.  My childhood was spent in Anushaktinagar – the BARC residential colony. I remember my childhood in a very bipolar way. The colony was beautiful & my friends were close, but, my schooling was extremely competitive. Everyone was a “scientist ke bacche”, and so the peer pressure to excel was tremendous. I really don’t remember how I performed in school, but apparently I made my mother a very religious person - she strongly believed that only god can save me.

After finishing my education, I joined TCS in Hyderabad. That was the first time away from home and I enjoyed every bit of it – both the responsibilities & the “freaking out” that came with it. It was also the time when I got introduced to Toastmasters – I was a member of TCS Hyderabad Maitree toastmasters for some time. After working for three & half years in TCS, I took a study leave to do an MBA – and I ended up graduating in peak recession in 2008-09. I remember our placement “week” that lasted for only half a day as only so many companies came for recruitment. In hindsight, I learnt more about sales in that one year than I have learnt in a 14 year career – I had to sell my skills to reluctant recruiters and get a job. Thankfully I was on a study leave, and so I could come back to TCS.

Life slowly came back on track over the next 2-3 years and then something amazing happened. India won the world cup again in April 2011 – and 4 months later I got married.  I think there is a karmic connection between me & the world cup. Me & my wife Bhairavi are two extremely different personalities , but, somehow we came together & agreed to get married. I wish I could say that my life has been a “happily ever after” since then, but the truth is that it has been more of a roller coaster ride than a bed of roses. We fight, we fight more, we fight even more, and then suddenly a realization dawns that only this person can tolerate me, others can’t, and we realize the amazingness of our relationship again.

Four years after marriage, in 2015, I had an epiphany. In my life, just my personal life being exciting was not sufficient – my job had to be exciting too. That, and some other reasons, made me transition from TCS to an e-commerce start-up. Suddenly from a 3.5 Lakh people organization, I had moved to a 100 people company. The next two & half years were amazing. I built a business from scratch, built an amazing team and had some great experiences. It was like being Himesh Reshammiya – I was the actor, I was the singer and I was the director too. About 7 months back, I moved to Raymond Apparel to take care of their digital initiatives. So these days I inspire people to be a “complete man”.

Talking about being a complete man, over the last 30+ years, I have realized that people’s lives get built around certain pillars - such as family & relationships, career, finances, health, hobbies, etc. One’s life is “complete” with a strong foundation when “each” of this pillar is well maintained – not just one or two. For example, too much focus on office at the expense of family gets instant success, but not long term satisfaction. As I conclude, I urge you to identify your pillar and nurture each one of them – they are the horses of your life’s chariot – they “all” have to be strong & run together.

Thank you.